It’s here! It’s here!
You guys have been asking me forever when there would be an audio version of TORN. Wait no longer! You can get it right now! Right this moment!
With a click of the mouse, you can hear me personally read my story to you while you work, drive, clean, or work out. Cool, right?
Get it here: Audible, Amazon, iTunes
By the way, I’m going to see if I can get them to choose a better audio sample, because right now, the sample is largely me quoting another book, which isn’t a good example of my book at all. If you read my blog, though, you know how I write. :)
Also, iTunes might have made one tiny mistake in their listing:
Oh, iTunes.
If Christians have a bad reputation, maybe it’s because we need more empathy.
Last week, CNN.com ran an article asking if Christians are a “hated minority.” In the piece, some evangelical Christians suggest that they are being demonized for expressing their religious view that homosexuality is a sin, and that this is proof that Christian views are no longer tolerated in American society.
I had several initial responses to this:
- Those individuals don’t speak for all Christians.
- As I’ve said before on this blog, “homosexuality” is not a thing.
- This is a hot topic, so of course people will express their disagreement with you, whoever you are. No one on either side gets a free pass to avoid criticism.
- The issue isn’t just those individuals’ moral opposition to gay sex/marriage. A lot of it has to do with their language and attitude.
I decided to write an op-ed on this last point, explaining that the reason Christians have a bad reputation in today’s society has a lot to do with the perception that we lack empathy.
Well, today CNN published my letter on their website. Of course, they had to edit it a bit for their space (which, as an author, always feels a bit like having one’s child cut up and stitched back together), but they were very generous about letting me review the edits, and I think it still conveys my meaning.
Here’s how it starts:
In high school, I was a Christian know-it-all.
My nickname was “God boy,” and I was known for preaching at my friends about social issues of the day. I dismissed their objections—and accusations of homophobia—as intolerance for my faith.
“I’m just telling you what God’s Word says,” I’d argue.
Years later I realized my mistake. What my peers most objected to wasn’t my beliefs; it was my condescending attitude. I debated and preached when I should have listened. I thought that stating my position loudly and unyieldingly was a sign of strength. In the process, I alienated my friends.
I’m still an evangelical Christian, but one thing is now crystal clear to me. American evangelicals’ bad reputation isn’t just because of what we believe. It’s mostly because of how we behave.
You can read the rest on the CNN Belief Blog.
On Friday, my friend Matt and I sat down to discuss the week’s news about pro basketball player Jason Collins’s decision to come out as gay—and the conversations that have resulted.
Is it a problem for gay players to be in the locker room? Matt and I discuss this and other questions—and the fact that I know nothing at all about sports—on this week’s podcast! Click the link and give it a listen, or download it from the Gay Christian Network’s GCN Radio page.
Gay pride festivals: a real-life follow-up.
On Friday, I answered a reader question about why some gay people dress or act provocatively at Gay Pride events. Imagine my surprise when, only hours after I published that post, a friend informed me that there was a local LGBT festival going on near me the very next day!
So with that reader’s question still in mind, I went to the festival and took some photos to share with you all. Here I am:
Thousands of people showed up to this event. I haven’t seen final attendance numbers yet, but the early estimates were in the 10,000-15,000 range. (I took most of my pictures early in the day, before it got crowded, but the crowds got denser as the day went on.) I stayed for most of the day, walking around and talking to people.
There were a lot of families there, and bounce houses for the kids:
There were lots of booths, and people walking their dogs:
Some of the booths even had doggie treats:
There were bands…
…and fried foods…
…and way too many gaudy rainbows.
I saw booths for churches, artists, political groups, and local businesses. I talked to old people and young people, singles and families.
You know what I didn’t see? Anything relating to sex. There were no sex-related booths, no men in thongs, no public displays of affection any more graphic than hand holding. It was just a family-friendly event catering to those who care about LGBT issues.
Is every LGBT event like that? No. As I’ve said before, the LGBT community is not monolithic. But after my post on Friday, this was a timely example that there are plenty of family-friendly LGBT events happening around the country; we’re certainly not all represented by sexual imagery.
I also encountered a group of straight Christians who had come to the festival specifically to preach. I approached one of them and listened in as he argued for 15 minutes with an atheist about evolution and other topics. Meanwhile, I saw others approaching groups of people and trying to engage them in conversation for the purpose of telling them about Jesus.
To their credit, these Christians were much more respectful than the protesters I sometimes see at events like this. They weren’t carrying giant signs and bullhorns; they were honestly trying to engage with people on a personal level. Unfortunately, their approach still left a lot to be desired. I don’t know about you, but I find it off-putting when a stranger approaches me in a public place and asks me invasive questions only to try to turn the conversation around to something they want to sell me on—be it hand cream or eternal salvation. It just feels too much like telemarketers, you know?
Before they left, I introduced myself to the preaching group. I asked them about their church, and I told them about my work with the Gay Christian Network. I offered to buy them coffee and sit and talk for a few minutes, but they declined. I offered to share my story, too, and I did share a few minutes of it, but while they were very polite, they were much more interested in finding a way to draw me into a theological debate than in sharing our stories and getting to know one another.
I offered to share more about what it’s like to be gay, to help them understand a bit more about the community they were trying to reach. They said they had to go and didn’t have time for that. I offered to give them a free copy of my book for them to read in their free time, if they’d promise me that at least one of them would actually read it. They declined, saying their lives were too busy for that.
“I understand,” I said, before shaking their hands and offering to pray for their ministry. “So I’ll just say this one thing. I believe you’re sincere and that you want to help people. But I can tell you right now, if you’re serious about ministering to the LGBT community, you’ll find more success with a lot more listening and a lot less preaching. The more time you spend listening to people, the more effective your preaching will become.”
And maybe it wouldn’t end up sounding so preachy after all.
Q:I have no comments but a question. If it is not about sex, then why have the gay pride parades across the nation that promote sexual acts. The way people dress in the parades flaunts sexual acts, shows nudity etc. Why must they be outlandish in the dress and behavior? Just saying. If they want to promote family values then they should present themselves as such.
Anonymous
Thanks for the question!
I have two things to say about this. First, I agree with you; when people at Gay Pride parades or other events behave in lewd or hypersexual ways, it sends the wrong message. I don’t like it, I don’t like the message it sends, and I wouldn’t do it.
But it’s important to recognize that when you turn on the news and see a guy in a thong simulating sex acts in a pride parade, he’s not representing the entire gay community. In fact, he’s in the minority. I know lots of gay people, and as far as I’m aware, I don’t know anyone who has ever danced in a thong in a Pride parade.
This does not represent me as a gay man:
Just like this does not represent me as a Christian:
In both cases, the most visible and outrageous people get the spotlight, and they get way more than their fair share of the TV coverage.
And in both cases, if you’re in the group, you know that these people don’t represent you, but if you’re outside of the group, it can be easy to assume that everyone else in the group is like the most visible images (even if they’re better about keeping it quiet).
I suspect you may have some follow-up questions, so I’ll go ahead and ask them for you.
Okay, so maybe you and your friends wouldn’t dress up like that, but clearly some people do. Why do they do it?
I don’t want to speak for someone else, but I can guess. Here are a few reasons I can think of:
- Some gay people treat Gay Pride Day kind of like Mardi Gras or Halloween. In New Orleans on Mardi Gras, for instance, lots of straight people dress outrageously, get drunk, and behave lewdly in the streets. And while some Halloween costumes are scary, a large percentage of adult women’s Halloween costumes are skimpy and sexual. But a straight woman flashing her boobs on Mardi Gras or dressed as a “sexy nurse” on Halloween might not act that way at all the rest of the year, and she certainly doesn’t represent all straight women.
- There are some gay people who live their lives around sex, just like there are straight people who live their lives around sex. (Research suggests that gay people aren’t any more or less promiscuous than straight people.) For gays whose lives do revolve around sex, being surrounded by gay people can be an excuse to show off their bodies and “let it all hang out,” so to speak.
- Some gay people use intentionally shocking images as a form of protest. For instance, some people feel like, “If I’m going to be judged for my sexuality regardless of what I do, I’ll give these judgmental people something to be upset about!” I don’t think that’s effective, but then, I’m not the one doing it.
- We don’t all have the same beliefs about what is appropriate/offensive/shocking/etc. Not all straight people have the same beliefs or values, right? Same thing with gay people. Just because I find something to be inappropriate or offensive doesn’t mean everyone who has the same orientation as me will also find it inappropriate or offensive.
I’m sure there are many other reasons as well, but you get the idea. And regardless, most gay people at Pride events dress and behave just like anyone else you’d see on any other day of the year. You only notice the outrageous ones, because they’re outrageous.
So perhaps you’re thinking:
Okay, but if the hypersexed images don’t represent all gay people, why don’t any gay people speak out against them?
Sometimes they do. Back in the mid-90s, for example, gay author Bruce Bawer wrote a book called A Place at the Table all about how images like that hurt the gay community and represent only a minority of people. I have plenty of gay friends who refuse to even go to Pride events because they find them offensive.
But, to be honest, I think many gay folks are tired of other people preaching at them and so they don’t want to preach at others. A lot of gay people think about Pride events sort of like a lot of straight people think about Mardi Gras or Halloween—if you don’t like it, you don’t go, and if you do go but you don’t like some people’s behavior, you just ignore it.
We’re all different, and no one person can represent an entire group.
Follow up: The day after posting this, I went to a local LGBT festival to take pictures and see how much sexual imagery I actually encountered. Here’s what I found.
Four ways Christians are getting the gay debate wrong.
Yesterday, basketball center Jason Collins became the first professional American athlete to come out as gay while still active in a team sport.
As soon as the news broke, the religious debates started. Christians expressed their disapproval; Christians came to his defense; people accused one another of being bigots or sinners. It happens every time, and as a Christian, I find it incredibly frustrating.
Shortly after the news broke, for instance, ESPN anchor Chris Broussard came under fire for the following comments:
BROUSSARD: Personally, I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly—like premarital sex between heterosexuals. If you’re openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that’s a sin. And if you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality—adultery, fornication, premarital sex between heterosexuals, whatever it may be—I believe that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the Bible would characterize them as a Christian.
As I’ve been following the debate over the last 24 hours, I’ve been struck by how often I see Christians make the same mistakes over and over.
Here are four ways many American Christians are getting this whole thing wrong.
1. Equating “being gay” with “having sex.” If an unmarried person tells you they’re “straight,” would you assume that they’re having sex? Probably not. Most straight adults are having sex, but not all of them are. The same is true for gay adults. In his coming out article, Jason doesn’t say anything about his sexual beliefs or practices; he says only that he’s single. Why, then, does this suddenly become a debate about the morality of gay sex, with comparisons to sexual behaviors like “fornication” and “adultery”?
I grew up in a Southern Baptist church with strict beliefs that people shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. When I finally, tearfully admitted (after years of trying to avoid it) that I was attracted to guys instead of girls, I found myself on the receiving end of lecture after lecture about how being gay was a sin “just like adultery or premarital sex.” But I wasn’t having any kind of sex at all. Being gay isn’t like adultery or premarital sex, because being gay isn’t a sex act. Even if I never have sex, I’m still gay.
2. Using that (assumed) sex act to define us as people. It’s one thing to believe gay sex is sinful, but it’s quite another to define gay people and our lives by that one act. This is where that devious word “lifestyle” creeps in. (I’ve explained before on the blog why I hate that word.) Even if Jason Collins is having sex, that doesn’t mean he’s living a particular kind of “lifestyle.” Do all sexually active straight people live the same lifestyle? Was Billy Graham’s lifestyle the same as Howard Stern’s?
My friend Marty mentioned on my podcast this week that the words “gay lifestyle” are typically a euphemism for “having gay sex.” But by using the word “lifestyle,” you end up defining gay people’s lives entirely in terms of that sex. Notice how Broussard stumbles in that video clip when he tries to apply the same terminology to his other examples: “I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly—like premarital sex between heterosexuals.” It’s as if he started to say “an openly ‘premarital sex’ lifestyle” and then realized that made no sense. Because if two straight people have sex before marriage, people might call that sinful, but no one would refer to that as their “premarital sex lifestyle.” We view it as one particular act, not a definition of the entirety of their lives.
(Also, just as a side note, I get Broussard’s point about the need for Christians to repent of sin, but considering that research says 80% of young unmarried Christians have had sex, I’d be a little reluctant to make blanket statements about who is or isn’t a Christian.)
3. Treating gay people as symbols of a culture war instead of as human beings. Jason Collins is a person. By his own admission, he’s been through a lot of struggles in figuring out who he is and whether to talk about it publicly. But it often feels that when someone like this comes out, many people on both sides view them as just a symbol for us to celebrate or bemoan, so that we all must rush to express approval or disapproval.
I wish, instead, that Christians’ first reaction to news like this were to want to understand, to ask questions like “Why would a Christian in a decidedly anti-gay field feel the need to identify himself as gay? What brought him to this point? What obstacles did he overcome? What has his experience been like?” These are the questions of a compassionate person, one who is willing to put the other person’s humanity first.
Maybe people don’t think of those questions as much when the person coming out is a celebrity. But when I came out to the people I knew personally, I had the same experience. People were quick to condemn me and only rarely took the time to ask me questions about why I felt the way I did or what had brought me to that point in my life. It’s as if, when you come out, you cease to be someone’s friend and become only a representation of an issue.
4. Assuming that being gay is a choice. Who you date, marry, or have sex with is a choice. Who you are attracted to isn’t. “Being gay” only refers to who I’m attracted to. It’s not something I chose, and it’s something many of us were, frankly, afraid of when we first realized it about ourselves.
But over and over, I see Christians talking about being gay as if it were something one could choose to be or not to be. In a Christian Post article this week, Jason Collins was described as “the first active athlete in professional sports to speak about his lifestyle choice” (emphasis mine). What “lifestyle choice” do they mean? On another website, a Christian commenter echoed many when he wrote that “I do not see how anyone can argue with what Broussard said: Living as an open homosexual is open rebellion to God.”
I hear these kind of statements every day. But think about it for a moment. If “living as an open homosexual” is rebellion against God, what choices do I have? I’m already gay; I can’t change that. I could choose to lie and not to be “open” about it, of course, but I don’t believe in dishonesty. Other than that, the only way I could avoid “living as an open homosexual” would be to stop “living.” I don’t have to tell you where that kind of thinking leads.
Is that what the commenter intended? Of course not. But that’s how the message comes across, day after day, to gay people across the country and around the world.
Let me be clear: I think everyone has a right to their moral views, even when they disagree with mine. We Americans can disagree on the morality of gay sex just as we can disagree on the morality of eating meat or drinking alcohol. We Christians have disagreed for centuries on theological questions from the makeup of the Scriptures to infant baptism to transubstantiation. But this isn’t just about a moral disagreement; it’s about how we treat one another and how we talk about one another. If we Christians can’t show more love and willingness to listen, it won’t change one person from gay to straight, but it will turn a lot of people against Christianity.
That’s why I wrote TORN. That’s why I write this blog. That’s why I do what I do. Hey church, are you listening?
Oh my gosh, you guys. There was some big news this week in the “ex-gay” world, and considering this was a subject I have a lot to say on in my book, I of course have a lot to say about it—more than I could fit into a blog post.
Click the audio link above to hear me get on a soapbox about the whole situation while talking to my friend Montana Marty. You can download the episode for later listening by clicking the arrow, or go to the GCN Radio homepage for more shows like this one.
iPad : iPad mini :: TORN hardcover : _______________
You guys! The TORN paperback is here, and it’s so cute and little! It totally plays the iPad mini to the hardcover’s iPad—or, heck, you could buy the ebook and actually read it on an iPad. Or all three.
The paperback looks the same in front, but the back is different:
And here they are, side by side. (Do I sound like a proud papa yet?)
I love them both! But I admit to having a special fondness for how the larger hardcover looks on a shelf and how it feels to hold it in your hands. So if you’ve been planning to swing by your local bookstore at some point to pick up a hardcover of TORN for yourself or someone else, you may want to do that now, because they may not continue to stock the hardcover once the paperback comes out.
TORN hits stores in paperback on May 14.
(Oh, and guess what else is about to come out? You might have heard me speak about it in the past, so make some noise in the comments and I’ll be listening as you give voice to your guesses. Ahem.)
This week, I’m moving to a new office, so I haven’t had a lot of time for writing blog posts, but I did post a podcast interview this week with Brandon Ambrosino, 
a gay man who has written positively about his experiences on a conservative Christian campus and who suggests he had suffered from “homophobia-phobia.” It’s a different perspective, and the end of this interview had a really profound moment that I loved. You can hear the audio by clicking the link at the top or visiting the GCN Radio page.
Following up on the Empathy Cap exercise.
Yesterday, I posted a piece inviting people to put themselves in the shoes of a Christian with conservative views on sex (what we call “Side B”) who discovers himself or herself to be attracted to the same sex and must endure the challenges of living a celibate life.
I have a number of friends in this situation. They are gay (some would prefer the term “same-sex attracted”), but they believe it would be wrong for them to act on their feelings. And I know from my conversations with them that they have many challenges to endure, including a lack of understanding or support from both sides. Their conservative friends mistakenly think they could “choose” not to be gay, and their liberal friends just push them to change their theological beliefs.
My goal was to write a piece about their challenges, to give people a sense of what it might be like to be in those shoes and encourage folks on both sides to be more compassionate and supportive. That’s tough, because I’m speaking to a very broad audience, some of whom don’t understand much about the situation, so I had to squeeze a lot of information into one blog post.
Let me just say, it’s difficult to write about nuanced issues on a blog, because you don’t have a lot of space to explain yourself! In the internet world, people just glance at a long post and respond with “TL;DR.” (That’s “too long; didn’t read,” an abbreviation for people who apparently find even four words too long to read without a shortcut.)
So I chose to write a story about an example person, loosely based on the lives of some of my friends, to invite the reader to imagine being this person and struggling with some of the related challenges, needing more support from the church.
A lot of you really loved this piece! I got lots of “thank you” emails from Side B gay Christians who said I gave voice to the very struggles they’ve been experiencing, and a lot of other people wrote to thank me for giving them a new perspective.
Of course, I don’t think I’ve ever written a piece that didn’t get some criticism, and this one was no exception. While most of the Side B gay Christians who wrote to me told me that they loved the article, a few wrote to say, “Wait, it’s not all negative! You made us sound sad and pathetic, and we’re not!”
Okay. First of all, to those of you who thought my depiction of a person who comes home at night to frozen dinners and TV is “pathetic,” ummm, that’s totally my life, you guys.
So… yeah.
Beyond that, though, yes, absolutely, there are many happy Side B gay Christians in the world with fulfilling lives. Not everyone struggles with depression and loneliness, and even for those who do, it may not be the defining characteristic of their lives. The image I painted yesterday wasn’t intended to represent everyone; it was just intended to be an example of what one particular person’s life might be like. And considering how many people have told me that I hit the nail on the head for them, consider that it may be your neighbor’s story if it’s not your own.
“But why focus on the struggles?” some of you might ask. Well, consider the purpose of writing something like this. I wanted people to think about the need that they’ve never seen before, need that many of us may be reluctant to express, because we’re so used to a church culture where people act like they’re fine even when they aren’t. This is especially true for people who feel misunderstood by both sides; they may be reluctant to say that they’re hurting, because they don’t want people to use that against them. (“I told you so! Now if you’d just do what I say…”)
That’s not just a Side B thing. As a Side A gay man, I have a hard time expressing my own struggles, because I know a lot of anti-gay folks out there might use them to hurt me more rather than to offer support. Nor is it just a gay thing; I know a lot of Christians who are afraid to share their doubts, loneliness, and other struggles, because they want to paint an image of the “joyful Christian life,” even when it’s not what they’re feeling at the moment.
Is it possible to be celibate and have a happy, fulfilling life? Most definitely! For some people it comes naturally, and for others, it’s an effort, but it’s still very much within reach. Single people (I say this from experience) have lots of time to focus on other things in life—volunteering, helping others, exploring the world, trying new things, making friends, etc. But for those of us who desire intimate companionship and don’t have it, there are challenges, too, and if we don’t talk about them, people won’t know when we need their understanding. I know this as a single person who does plan to get married someday, and if I know it, then I know it’s even more true for those who have committed their lives to celibacy.
It’s a delicate balance. No one wants to be the person who’s always complaining, and of course we should focus on the positives, not the negatives. But in this case, I know a lot of wonderful, dedicated Christians in this situation who have experienced tremendous pain and yet never complain about it. I wanted to take an opportunity to complain on their behalf, and to say, “Hey, this isn’t easy. These folks need our support. Let’s give it to them.”
And I stand by that.
