Crumbs from the Communion Table

Are you an aspiring author? Are you interested in the publishing...

Tue, 21 May 2013 09:02:25 -0400

Are you an aspiring author? Are you interested in the publishing world? Or are you just looking for something to read this summer?

If any of these are true of you, you won’t want to miss my podcast this week, as I interview Wendy Grisham, head of progressive Christian publisher Jericho Books.

This week, we discuss:

Wendy’s advice for aspiring authors about how to get a publisher’s attention (and how not to);
My confession about why I feel intimidated by people who say they love to read;
Suggestions for moving, funny, and insightful books to add to your summer reading list;
And more!

Give it a listen with the links above, or subscribe/download on the GCN Radio homepage.

I'm working on a series.

Mon, 20 May 2013 14:49:00 -0400

Hey, you guys, I had an idea for a blog post series, and you can help me.

I’ve decided to write a series of posts to address some of the most common questions I get asked by straight Christians about being gay and Christian.

You know, questions like:

“Isn’t calling yourself a gay Christian like calling yourself an adulterous Christian?”
“Why do you have gay pride parades? We don’t have straight pride parades.”
“Shouldn’t your identity be only in Christ, and not in your sexuality?”

I bet many of you can think of more questions you’ve either heard from others or wondered about yourself. Suggest your favorites in the comments below (or use Tumblr’s built-in response feature) and I’ll add my favorites to the list.

My goal is to answer each question in a separate post and link them all from a single place to make the answers easy to find.

What common questions do YOU think I should answer?

Why I'm glad I lost my innocence.

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:11:00 -0400

I just saw The Great Gatsby this week. And—what do you know!—I rather enjoyed it.

As a kid, I had to read the novel in English class, and I hated it. I think this is for at least 3 reasons:

1. It had an ugly cover. (Yes, I know it’s considered a work of art. I thought it was ugly and creepy.)

2. Every book is worse when you’re forced to speed-read it in between mountains of homework and then be tested on it. Tests make even Dr. Seuss stressful. Heck, I’d probably even hate my own book if I had to be tested on it.

3. I, um, might have skimmed some parts. Or not actually finished it.

There’s another reason. As a kid, I was horrified by stories about people doing bad things, and Gatsby is full of them: cheating on spouses, lying, covering up crimes, and way too much partying. When I read stories like this, I couldn’t get past my disgust at people’s sin to dig deep enough for any serious analysis.

But then I grew up. And today, I can appreciate stories like this for what they are—tragic, sometimes frustrating, other times illuminating portraits of human beings in all our complexity.

In real life, people make bad decisions. They lie. They cheat. They sin. They are human. And the stories I preferred as a child, where the “good guys” always make the right decisions and evil is something out there somewhere instead of in us, just don’t reflect reality.

Yes, as I’ve grown, there’s been a sense of innocence lost. I’ve realized that the people I always looked up to aren’t perfect. My family’s not perfect. I’m not perfect.

I mean, it’s not that I ever thought I was literally perfect. But as a kid, the knowledge of my own sinfulness seemed more like something I knew in theory, as a matter of theology, but not something I frequently experienced. I knew I’d sinned, but my sins were (it seemed) of the small variety—failing to do a homework assignment and not wanting to tell my parents, for instance. In theory, I knew we were all sinners, all equally fallen, but I still had secret lines I’d draw between the small sins I’d committed (and had asked forgiveness for) and the big sins only other people committed.

Because, see, I was a good Christian. I was better than them.

My biggest sin, undoubtedly, was pride—quite possibly the biggest sin there is, theologically speaking, but one that doesn’t seem so bad. Pride is a sin good Christians can commit and still think of themselves as good Christians. But there were certain lines I’d never cross, certain sins I’d never commit. Because if you crossed those lines, you might be forgiven, but you’d never be like me or the “good Christians” I looked up to.

Well, I’m 35. And I’ve crossed at least three of the major lines I said I’d never cross. (No, I’m not going to tell you which ones.) I’m more fully aware today than ever that I am a sinful person. Forgiven, but sinful. But forgiven.

I’ve lost my innocence—not just about myself, but about how the world works. I know now that the people I always looked up to aren’t as perfect as I’d imagined, that even good people can make really bad decisions.

Today, I can watch a film like Gatsby and instead of seeing bad people, I see just people—people driven by human emotions and desires, making bad decisions as we all do and reaping the consequences of their choices. I realize that this is the world we live in, and that the people who make such bad choices are essentially just like me. We’re emotional, broken, messy human beings with messy lives in a messy world. The evil isn’t out there, some wicked queen or fire-breathing dragon; it’s in us. It comes from us. All of us. ALL of us.

And in some small way, I mourn my loss of innocence, but in a bigger way, I’m glad for it. It makes the world more complicated, but it gives me empathy for other people when they do bad things.

I can see them as human beings, and love them even though I see all of their sin.

Which, I think, is how God sees us all.

It's here! It's here!

Tue, 14 May 2013 11:06:00 -0400

You guys have been asking me forever when there would be an audio version of TORN. Wait no longer! You can get it right now! Right this moment!

With a click of the mouse, you can hear me personally read my story to you while you work, drive, clean, or work out. Cool, right?

Get it here: Audible, Amazon, iTunes

By the way, I’m going to see if I can get them to choose a better audio sample, because right now, the sample is largely me quoting another book, which isn’t a good example of my book at all. If you read my blog, though, you know how I write. :)

Also, iTunes might have made one tiny mistake in their listing:

Oh, iTunes.

This week on the GCN Radio podcast, I strike up a fake feud with...

Mon, 13 May 2013 00:17:01 -0400

This week on the GCN Radio podcast, I strike up a fake feud with Mark Sandlin, pastor and co-founder of The Christian Left, over his beating me in a satirical competition. We also discuss why some Christians are so reluctant to call themselves “Christians.”

Oh, and we laugh a lot. (And yes, I promise this podcast is safe for people on all sides of the political aisle.) Play it above or download from our GCN Radio page.

If Christians have a bad reputation, maybe it's because we need more empathy.

Sun, 12 May 2013 02:03:00 -0400

Last week, CNN.com ran an article asking if Christians are a “hated minority.” In the piece, some evangelical Christians suggest that they are being demonized for expressing their religious view that homosexuality is a sin, and that this is proof that Christian views are no longer tolerated in American society.

I had several initial responses to this:

Those individuals don’t speak for all Christians.
As I’ve said before on this blog, “homosexuality” is not a thing.
This is a hot topic, so of course people will express their disagreement with you, whoever you are. No one on either side gets a free pass to avoid criticism.
The issue isn’t just those individuals’ moral opposition to gay sex/marriage. A lot of it has to do with their language and attitude.

I decided to write an op-ed on this last point, explaining that the reason Christians have a bad reputation in today’s society has a lot to do with the perception that we lack empathy.

Well, today CNN published my letter on their website. Of course, they had to edit it a bit for their space (which, as an author, always feels a bit like having one’s child cut up and stitched back together), but they were very generous about letting me review the edits, and I think it still conveys my meaning.

Here’s how it starts:

In high school, I was a Christian know-it-all.

My nickname was “God boy,” and I was known for preaching at my friends about social issues of the day. I dismissed their objections—and accusations of homophobia—as intolerance for my faith.

“I’m just telling you what God’s Word says,” I’d argue.

Years later I realized my mistake. What my peers most objected to wasn’t my beliefs; it was my condescending attitude. I debated and preached when I should have listened. I thought that stating my position loudly and unyieldingly was a sign of strength. In the process, I alienated my friends.

I’m still an evangelical Christian, but one thing is now crystal clear to me. American evangelicals’ bad reputation isn’t just because of what we believe. It’s mostly because of how we behave.

You can read the rest on the CNN Belief Blog.

Hi Justin from London! I absolutely love this blog and I love your book. Question: I'm a youth leader at my church, and I've been asked to do a session (for 11-14 yr olds) on homophobia as there are some really homophobic attitudes in the group. I'm really excited and a bit nervous - theologically I'm Side A but I would guess our church's official stance is Side B. Any tips on how to approach this? All the best and keep up the good work, Lucy :)

Sat, 11 May 2013 14:30:12 -0400

Thanks, Lucy!

Those who are new to the blog and don’t know the terms “Side A” and “Side B” can find them on my Frequently Asked Questions page. In short, though, you’re saying that while you personally support same-sex relationships, your church would not, so you need a way of talking about the issue without violating your church’s theological views.

Fortunately, for 11-14-year-olds, marriage isn’t on the table yet, so you’re free to focus on the real issue, which is treating others with love and respect.

In my mind, the basic message is simple: Everyone deserves to be treated with kindness, even if they’re different from you and even if you don’t agree with them on everything. This is one of Jesus’ key teachings (“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” among others) and is laid out by Paul in the church context in Romans 14.

For talking specifically about what it’s like to be gay—without taking a Side A or B stance—the Gay Christian Network has a DVD called Through My Eyes, which shares stories from Christian young adults who discovered themselves to be gay. It’s a great tool for having these conversations with adults or older teens, but I think it might be too advanced for the age group you’re talking about.

For your group, I’d suggest sidestepping the church politics and focusing on the understanding that God loves everyone and that our job as Christians is to show Christ’s love and stand up for those who are bullied or ostracized.

Perhaps you could invite the kids to volunteer some of the unkind words or statements they’ve heard and discuss why those words are hurtful and how they could counteract them next time they hear them.

Readers, what suggestions do you have? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments. Lucy, let us know how it goes!

This is the truth. From my friend Greg White, who posts some...

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:48:36 -0400

This is the truth. From my friend Greg White, who posts some very funny comics (and other assorted art) on his blog right here.

On Friday, my friend Matt and I sat down to discuss the...

Tue, 07 May 2013 00:43:36 -0400

On Friday, my friend Matt and I sat down to discuss the week’s news about pro basketball player Jason Collins’s decision to come out as gay—and the conversations that have resulted.

Is it a problem for gay players to be in the locker room? Matt and I discuss this and other questions—and the fact that I know nothing at all about sports—on this week’s podcast! Click the link and give it a listen, or download it from the Gay Christian Network’s GCN Radio page.

Gay pride festivals: a real-life follow-up.

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:43:00 -0400

On Friday, I answered a reader question about why some gay people dress or act provocatively at Gay Pride events. Imagine my surprise when, only hours after I published that post, a friend informed me that there was a local LGBT festival going on near me the very next day!

So with that reader’s question still in mind, I went to the festival and took some photos to share with you all. Here I am:

Thousands of people showed up to this event. I haven’t seen final attendance numbers yet, but the early estimates were in the 10,000-15,000 range. (I took most of my pictures early in the day, before it got crowded, but the crowds got denser as the day went on.) I stayed for most of the day, walking around and talking to people.

There were a lot of families there, and bounce houses for the kids:

There were lots of booths, and people walking their dogs:

Some of the booths even had doggie treats:

There were bands…

…and fried foods…

…and way too many gaudy rainbows.

I saw booths for churches, artists, political groups, and local businesses. I talked to old people and young people, singles and families.

You know what I didn’t see? Anything relating to sex. There were no sex-related booths, no men in thongs, no public displays of affection any more graphic than hand holding. It was just a family-friendly event catering to those who care about LGBT issues.

Is every LGBT event like that? No. As I’ve said before, the LGBT community is not monolithic. But after my post on Friday, this was a timely example that there are plenty of family-friendly LGBT events happening around the country; we’re certainly not all represented by sexual imagery.

I also encountered a group of straight Christians who had come to the festival specifically to preach. I approached one of them and listened in as he argued for 15 minutes with an atheist about evolution and other topics. Meanwhile, I saw others approaching groups of people and trying to engage them in conversation for the purpose of telling them about Jesus.

To their credit, these Christians were much more respectful than the protesters I sometimes see at events like this. They weren’t carrying giant signs and bullhorns; they were honestly trying to engage with people on a personal level. Unfortunately, their approach still left a lot to be desired. I don’t know about you, but I find it off-putting when a stranger approaches me in a public place and asks me invasive questions only to try to turn the conversation around to something they want to sell me on—be it hand cream or eternal salvation. It just feels too much like telemarketers, you know?

Before they left, I introduced myself to the preaching group. I asked them about their church, and I told them about my work with the Gay Christian Network. I offered to buy them coffee and sit and talk for a few minutes, but they declined. I offered to share my story, too, and I did share a few minutes of it, but while they were very polite, they were much more interested in finding a way to draw me into a theological debate than in sharing our stories and getting to know one another.

I offered to share more about what it’s like to be gay, to help them understand a bit more about the community they were trying to reach. They said they had to go and didn’t have time for that. I offered to give them a free copy of my book for them to read in their free time, if they’d promise me that at least one of them would actually read it. They declined, saying their lives were too busy for that.

“I understand,” I said, before shaking their hands and offering to pray for their ministry. “So I’ll just say this one thing. I believe you’re sincere and that you want to help people. But I can tell you right now, if you’re serious about ministering to the LGBT community, you’ll find more success with a lot more listening and a lot less preaching. The more time you spend listening to people, the more effective your preaching will become.”

And maybe it wouldn’t end up sounding so preachy after all.

I have no comments but a question. If it is not about sex, then why have the gay pride parades across the nation that promote sexual acts. The way people dress in the parades flaunts sexual acts, shows nudity etc. Why must they be outlandish in the dress and behavior? Just saying. If they want to promote family values then they should present themselves as such.

Fri, 03 May 2013 17:25:00 -0400

Thanks for the question!

I have two things to say about this. First, I agree with you; when people at Gay Pride parades or other events behave in lewd or hypersexual ways, it sends the wrong message. I don’t like it, I don’t like the message it sends, and I wouldn’t do it.

But it’s important to recognize that when you turn on the news and see a guy in a thong simulating sex acts in a pride parade, he’s not representing the entire gay community. In fact, he’s in the minority. I know lots of gay people, and as far as I’m aware, I don’t know anyone who has ever danced in a thong in a Pride parade.

This does not represent me as a gay man:

Just like this does not represent me as a Christian:

In both cases, the most visible and outrageous people get the spotlight, and they get way more than their fair share of the TV coverage.

And in both cases, if you’re in the group, you know that these people don’t represent you, but if you’re outside of the group, it can be easy to assume that everyone else in the group is like the most visible images (even if they’re better about keeping it quiet).

I suspect you may have some follow-up questions, so I’ll go ahead and ask them for you.

Okay, so maybe you and your friends wouldn’t dress up like that, but clearly some people do. Why do they do it?

I don’t want to speak for someone else, but I can guess. Here are a few reasons I can think of:

Some gay people treat Gay Pride Day kind of like Mardi Gras or Halloween. In New Orleans on Mardi Gras, for instance, lots of straight people dress outrageously, get drunk, and behave lewdly in the streets. And while some Halloween costumes are scary, a large percentage of adult women’s Halloween costumes are skimpy and sexual. But a straight woman flashing her boobs on Mardi Gras or dressed as a “sexy nurse” on Halloween might not act that way at all the rest of the year, and she certainly doesn’t represent all straight women.
There are some gay people who live their lives around sex, just like there are straight people who live their lives around sex. (Research suggests that gay people aren’t any more or less promiscuous than straight people.) For gays whose lives do revolve around sex, being surrounded by gay people can be an excuse to show off their bodies and “let it all hang out,” so to speak.
Some gay people use intentionally shocking images as a form of protest. For instance, some people feel like, “If I’m going to be judged for my sexuality regardless of what I do, I’ll give these judgmental people something to be upset about!” I don’t think that’s effective, but then, I’m not the one doing it.
We don’t all have the same beliefs about what is appropriate/offensive/shocking/etc. Not all straight people have the same beliefs or values, right? Same thing with gay people. Just because I find something to be inappropriate or offensive doesn’t mean everyone who has the same orientation as me will also find it inappropriate or offensive.

I’m sure there are many other reasons as well, but you get the idea. And regardless, most gay people at Pride events dress and behave just like anyone else you’d see on any other day of the year. You only notice the outrageous ones, because they’re outrageous.

So perhaps you’re thinking:

Okay, but if the hypersexed images don’t represent all gay people, why don’t any gay people speak out against them?

Sometimes they do. Back in the mid-90s, for example, gay author Bruce Bawer wrote a book called A Place at the Table all about how images like that hurt the gay community and represent only a minority of people. I have plenty of gay friends who refuse to even go to Pride events because they find them offensive.

But, to be honest, I think many gay folks are tired of other people preaching at them and so they don’t want to preach at others. A lot of gay people think about Pride events sort of like a lot of straight people think about Mardi Gras or Halloween—if you don’t like it, you don’t go, and if you do go but you don’t like some people’s behavior, you just ignore it.

We’re all different, and no one person can represent an entire group.

Follow up: The day after posting this, I went to a local LGBT festival to take pictures and see how much sexual imagery I actually encountered. Here’s what I found.

Frequently Asked Questions

Thu, 02 May 2013 11:29:00 -0400

Welcome, new readers!

Every time one of my new posts get a lot of attention, it seems that I get a lot of the same questions:

“What do you mean, you’re gay and Christian? You know that’s a sin, right?”

“Is this a conservative blog or a liberal blog?”

“You have a book? What’s it about? Is it available for Kindle? Will there be an audio version?”

“What’s this ‘Side A’ and ‘Side B’ stuff?”

“What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”

So, rather than keep answering the same questions over and over, I thought I’d create a blog FAQ page.

And here it is. Let me know if you can think of any questions I’ve missed!

Four ways Christians are getting the gay debate wrong.

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 15:25:00 -0400

Yesterday, basketball center Jason Collins became the first professional American athlete to come out as gay while still active in a team sport.

As soon as the news broke, the religious debates started. Christians expressed their disapproval; Christians came to his defense; people accused one another of being bigots or sinners. It happens every time, and as a Christian, I find it incredibly frustrating.

Shortly after the news broke, for instance, ESPN anchor Chris Broussard came under fire for the following comments:

BROUSSARD: Personally, I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly—like premarital sex between heterosexuals. If you’re openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that’s a sin. And if you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality—adultery, fornication, premarital sex between heterosexuals, whatever it may be—I believe that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the Bible would characterize them as a Christian.

As I’ve been following the debate over the last 24 hours, I’ve been struck by how often I see Christians make the same mistakes over and over.

Here are four ways many American Christians are getting this whole thing wrong.

1. Equating “being gay” with “having sex.” If an unmarried person tells you they’re “straight,” would you assume that they’re having sex? Probably not. Most straight adults are having sex, but not all of them are. The same is true for gay adults. In his coming out article, Jason doesn’t say anything about his sexual beliefs or practices; he says only that he’s single. Why, then, does this suddenly become a debate about the morality of gay sex, with comparisons to sexual behaviors like “fornication” and “adultery”?

I grew up in a Southern Baptist church with strict beliefs that people shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. When I finally, tearfully admitted (after years of trying to avoid it) that I was attracted to guys instead of girls, I found myself on the receiving end of lecture after lecture about how being gay was a sin “just like adultery or premarital sex.” But I wasn’t having any kind of sex at all. Being gay isn’t like adultery or premarital sex, because being gay isn’t a sex act. Even if I never have sex, I’m still gay.

2. Using that (assumed) sex act to define us as people. It’s one thing to believe gay sex is sinful, but it’s quite another to define gay people and our lives by that one act. This is where that devious word “lifestyle” creeps in. (I’ve explained before on the blog why I hate that word.) Even if Jason Collins is having sex, that doesn’t mean he’s living a particular kind of “lifestyle.” Do all sexually active straight people live the same lifestyle? Was Billy Graham’s lifestyle the same as Howard Stern’s?

My friend Marty mentioned on my podcast this week that the words “gay lifestyle” are typically a euphemism for “having gay sex.” But by using the word “lifestyle,” you end up defining gay people’s lives entirely in terms of that sex. Notice how Broussard stumbles in that video clip when he tries to apply the same terminology to his other examples: “I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly—like premarital sex between heterosexuals.” It’s as if he started to say “an openly ‘premarital sex’ lifestyle” and then realized that made no sense. Because if two straight people have sex before marriage, people might call that sinful, but no one would refer to that as their “premarital sex lifestyle.” We view it as one particular act, not a definition of the entirety of their lives.

(Also, just as a side note, I get Broussard’s point about the need for Christians to repent of sin, but considering that research says 80% of young unmarried Christians have had sex, I’d be a little reluctant to make blanket statements about who is or isn’t a Christian.)

3. Treating gay people as symbols of a culture war instead of as human beings. Jason Collins is a person. By his own admission, he’s been through a lot of struggles in figuring out who he is and whether to talk about it publicly. But it often feels that when someone like this comes out, many people on both sides view them as just a symbol for us to celebrate or bemoan, so that we all must rush to express approval or disapproval.

I wish, instead, that Christians’ first reaction to news like this were to want to understand, to ask questions like “Why would a Christian in a decidedly anti-gay field feel the need to identify himself as gay? What brought him to this point? What obstacles did he overcome? What has his experience been like?” These are the questions of a compassionate person, one who is willing to put the other person’s humanity first.

Maybe people don’t think of those questions as much when the person coming out is a celebrity. But when I came out to the people I knew personally, I had the same experience. People were quick to condemn me and only rarely took the time to ask me questions about why I felt the way I did or what had brought me to that point in my life. It’s as if, when you come out, you cease to be someone’s friend and become only a representation of an issue.

4. Assuming that being gay is a choice. Who you date, marry, or have sex with is a choice. Who you are attracted to isn’t. “Being gay” only refers to who I’m attracted to. It’s not something I chose, and it’s something many of us were, frankly, afraid of when we first realized it about ourselves.

But over and over, I see Christians talking about being gay as if it were something one could choose to be or not to be. In a Christian Post article this week, Jason Collins was described as “the first active athlete in professional sports to speak about his lifestyle choice” (emphasis mine). What “lifestyle choice” do they mean? On another website, a Christian commenter echoed many when he wrote that “I do not see how anyone can argue with what Broussard said: Living as an open homosexual is open rebellion to God.”

I hear these kind of statements every day. But think about it for a moment. If “living as an open homosexual” is rebellion against God, what choices do I have? I’m already gay; I can’t change that. I could choose to lie and not to be “open” about it, of course, but I don’t believe in dishonesty. Other than that, the only way I could avoid “living as an open homosexual” would be to stop “living.” I don’t have to tell you where that kind of thinking leads.

Is that what the commenter intended? Of course not. But that’s how the message comes across, day after day, to gay people across the country and around the world.

Let me be clear: I think everyone has a right to their moral views, even when they disagree with mine. We Americans can disagree on the morality of gay sex just as we can disagree on the morality of eating meat or drinking alcohol. We Christians have disagreed for centuries on theological questions from the makeup of the Scriptures to infant baptism to transubstantiation. But this isn’t just about a moral disagreement; it’s about how we treat one another and how we talk about one another. If we Christians can’t show more love and willingness to listen, it won’t change one person from gay to straight, but it will turn a lot of people against Christianity.

That’s why I wrote TORN. That’s why I write this blog. That’s why I do what I do. Hey church, are you listening?

Oh my gosh, you guys. There was some big news this week in the...

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 11:20:44 -0400

Oh my gosh, you guys. There was some big news this week in the “ex-gay” world, and considering this was a subject I have a lot to say on in my book, I of course have a lot to say about it—more than I could fit into a blog post.

Click the audio link above to hear me get on a soapbox about the whole situation while talking to my friend Montana Marty. You can download the episode for later listening by clicking the arrow, or go to the GCN Radio homepage for more shows like this one.

Question from a mother

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 17:10:13 -0400

A mom writes:

My teenage daughter recently told me that she is bisexual. I told her thank you for sharing such a huge fact with me and for trusting me and that I am honored by her trust. I told her I love her and that God loves her and she will never be punished for loving someone. How do I continue to support her as she moves forward in life, knowing that at some point she will be met with negativity and persecution? She hasn’t told her father, and he will not be as supportive. Thanks for your answer.

Thanks for a great question!

I think you’re doing exactly the right thing already—letting your daughter know that you are a safe person to talk to about what she’s going through, and that you appreciate the trust. This is so critical, because whatever may come her way in the future, good or bad, if she knows she can talk to her mom about things, she’ll be much better off than if she thinks she has to handle everything on her own.

Having a teenager is difficult for any parent, because all teens—gay, straight, or bi—are attempting to find their own place in the world and assert their independence. That leaves parents having to walk a fine line, trying to give appropriate guidance and discipline without alienating their teens as they grow into adults who will make their own decisions in life. And that’s not counting crazy hormones added into the mix.

For parents of gay or bi teens, whatever your theological views, it’s important to be able to offer healthy guidelines about behavior (curfews, parties, dating, sex) just as you would with a straight teen. But it’s also very important to reaffirm your love for your child and let her know that you love her just as she is—sexual orientation and all.

This can be the most difficult for parents on “Side B” (those who believe sex should be reserved for heterosexual marriage). I can’t tell you how often I hear from teens who feel like their parents disapprove not just of particular sexual behaviors, but of who their children are. That’s not the message the parents want to send, but it’s the one the kids are receiving. As a result, the parents lose any influence over their kids’ choices, because the kids already feel alienated.

Thankfully, that’s not what you’re doing. My advice to you is to keep those lines of communication open. Make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything, and that you’re genuinely interested in how she’s feeling. If she has questions or negative experiences, listen to what she has to say about them. If she gets a crush on a girl, let her talk about it. If she gets a crush on a boy, let her talk about that too. Her self-identity may change with time, or it may not. But if she has a mother she can always count on to be compassionate and lend a listening ear, she’ll be in a much better place to handle any of the negativity or persecution she might encounter in life. And you’ll be in a good position to offer parental advice now and in the future.

Also, if you’re looking for a resource that explores what it’s like to be gay or bi and Christian (besides my book, of course!), the Gay Christian Network has a DVD called Through My Eyes that is all about the experiences of gay Christians in their teens and twenties.

Readers, do you have great advice or resources to share? Tell us in the comments!

iPad : iPad mini :: TORN hardcover : _______________

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 10:12:32 -0400

You guys! The TORN paperback is here, and it’s so cute and little! It totally plays the iPad mini to the hardcover’s iPad—or, heck, you could buy the ebook and actually read it on an iPad. Or all three.

The paperback looks the same in front, but the back is different:

And here they are, side by side. (Do I sound like a proud papa yet?)

I love them both! But I admit to having a special fondness for how the larger hardcover looks on a shelf and how it feels to hold it in your hands. So if you’ve been planning to swing by your local bookstore at some point to pick up a hardcover of TORN for yourself or someone else, you may want to do that now, because they may not continue to stock the hardcover once the paperback comes out.

TORN hits stores in paperback on May 14.

(Oh, and guess what else is about to come out? You might have heard me speak about it in the past, so make some noise in the comments and I’ll be listening as you give voice to your guesses. Ahem.)

Bwahahaha!

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 09:52:02 -0400

From lifeinreligiouspublishing:

My Mother’s Reaction When I Said How Happy I Am That Books Like Torn By Justin Lee Are Being Published

I don’t know who this “lifeinreligiouspublishing” person is, but I like them already. ;)

This week, I’m moving to a new office, so I haven’t...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:08:00 -0400

This week, I’m moving to a new office, so I haven’t had a lot of time for writing blog posts, but I did post a podcast interview this week with Brandon Ambrosino, a gay man who has written positively about his experiences on a conservative Christian campus and who suggests he had suffered from “homophobia-phobia.” It’s a different perspective, and the end of this interview had a really profound moment that I loved. You can hear the audio by clicking the link at the top or visiting the GCN Radio page .

Following up on the Empathy Cap exercise.

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:40:05 -0400

Yesterday, I posted a piece inviting people to put themselves in the shoes of a Christian with conservative views on sex (what we call “Side B”) who discovers himself or herself to be attracted to the same sex and must endure the challenges of living a celibate life.

I have a number of friends in this situation. They are gay (some would prefer the term “same-sex attracted”), but they believe it would be wrong for them to act on their feelings. And I know from my conversations with them that they have many challenges to endure, including a lack of understanding or support from both sides. Their conservative friends mistakenly think they could “choose” not to be gay, and their liberal friends just push them to change their theological beliefs.

My goal was to write a piece about their challenges, to give people a sense of what it might be like to be in those shoes and encourage folks on both sides to be more compassionate and supportive. That’s tough, because I’m speaking to a very broad audience, some of whom don’t understand much about the situation, so I had to squeeze a lot of information into one blog post.

Let me just say, it’s difficult to write about nuanced issues on a blog, because you don’t have a lot of space to explain yourself! In the internet world, people just glance at a long post and respond with “TL;DR.” (That’s “too long; didn’t read,” an abbreviation for people who apparently find even four words too long to read without a shortcut.)

So I chose to write a story about an example person, loosely based on the lives of some of my friends, to invite the reader to imagine being this person and struggling with some of the related challenges, needing more support from the church.

A lot of you really loved this piece! I got lots of “thank you” emails from Side B gay Christians who said I gave voice to the very struggles they’ve been experiencing, and a lot of other people wrote to thank me for giving them a new perspective.

Of course, I don’t think I’ve ever written a piece that didn’t get some criticism, and this one was no exception. While most of the Side B gay Christians who wrote to me told me that they loved the article, a few wrote to say, “Wait, it’s not all negative! You made us sound sad and pathetic, and we’re not!”

Okay. First of all, to those of you who thought my depiction of a person who comes home at night to frozen dinners and TV is “pathetic,” ummm, that’s totally my life, you guys.

So… yeah.

Beyond that, though, yes, absolutely, there are many happy Side B gay Christians in the world with fulfilling lives. Not everyone struggles with depression and loneliness, and even for those who do, it may not be the defining characteristic of their lives. The image I painted yesterday wasn’t intended to represent everyone; it was just intended to be an example of what one particular person’s life might be like. And considering how many people have told me that I hit the nail on the head for them, consider that it may be your neighbor’s story if it’s not your own.

“But why focus on the struggles?” some of you might ask. Well, consider the purpose of writing something like this. I wanted people to think about the need that they’ve never seen before, need that many of us may be reluctant to express, because we’re so used to a church culture where people act like they’re fine even when they aren’t. This is especially true for people who feel misunderstood by both sides; they may be reluctant to say that they’re hurting, because they don’t want people to use that against them. (“I told you so! Now if you’d just do what I say…”)

That’s not just a Side B thing. As a Side A gay man, I have a hard time expressing my own struggles, because I know a lot of anti-gay folks out there might use them to hurt me more rather than to offer support. Nor is it just a gay thing; I know a lot of Christians who are afraid to share their doubts, loneliness, and other struggles, because they want to paint an image of the “joyful Christian life,” even when it’s not what they’re feeling at the moment.

Is it possible to be celibate and have a happy, fulfilling life? Most definitely! For some people it comes naturally, and for others, it’s an effort, but it’s still very much within reach. Single people (I say this from experience) have lots of time to focus on other things in life—volunteering, helping others, exploring the world, trying new things, making friends, etc. But for those of us who desire intimate companionship and don’t have it, there are challenges, too, and if we don’t talk about them, people won’t know when we need their understanding. I know this as a single person who does plan to get married someday, and if I know it, then I know it’s even more true for those who have committed their lives to celibacy.

It’s a delicate balance. No one wants to be the person who’s always complaining, and of course we should focus on the positives, not the negatives. But in this case, I know a lot of wonderful, dedicated Christians in this situation who have experienced tremendous pain and yet never complain about it. I wanted to take an opportunity to complain on their behalf, and to say, “Hey, this isn’t easy. These folks need our support. Let’s give it to them.”

And I stand by that.

Story time for the church.

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 11:45:00 -0400

It’s story time, everyone! Today we get to take a journey through someone else’s life.

One of the things I love doing on my blog is looking at things from different people’s perspectives. Sometimes I address my posts to conservative Christians; other times I address them to the LGBT community. Today we’re going to be looking at things from a perspective many people forget even exists—the Side B gay Christian.

If you’re new to this blog, you should know that I sometimes use terminology from a now-defunct organization called Bridges Across the Divide. They used the terms “Side A” and “Side B” to refer to different moral views on gay sex.

Those on Side A support consummated gay relationships.

Those on Side B believe that sex should only be between a man and a woman.

I grew up on Side B and eventually changed my mind to become Side A. I have friends, followers, and readers on both sides (and some who are undecided).

But for today’s post, we’re going to look at everything from a Side B perspective. So, to all my Side A readers, it’s time to put on our Empathy Caps and imagine the world as if we were Side B. (If you just absolutely cannot stand to do that, you might consider skipping today’s post.)

Now while my Side A readers are getting their Empathy Caps situated, I’m going to ask my straight Side B readers to get yours out too. Because we’re not just going to look at the world through Side B eyes; we’re going to look at it through the eyes of a Side B person who experiences same-sex attraction.

If you’re already same-sex attracted and Side B, you might not need your Empathy Cap, but hey, it never hurts.

Okay, everyone ready? Got your caps on? Here we go… powering up Empathy Caps…

3…2…1…

Bzzzzzzzzzzzt!

* * *

And here you are, looking at the world through brand-new eyes.

In this life, you are a Side B Christian. Your faith in Christ is incredibly important to you—the most important thing in your whole world, in fact. You want to do anything you can to please God, even if it means sacrificing of yourself.

But you’re also human. You have normal human needs, insecurities, fears, worries, joys, sorrows, and the rest of it. Sometimes you feel lonely. Sometimes you strain to hear God’s voice. Your church family is a big support to you in these times, imperfect though it may be.

There’s one thing your church family doesn’t know about you. When you hit puberty and all your friends started becoming attracted to the opposite sex, you didn’t. You began feeling things for other people of the same sex as you.

You don’t know why you have these feelings, though over the years you’ve imagined a thousand different scenarios to try to explain it. Did something happen to you as a child that you don’t remember? Is it because you didn’t always get along with your dad—or because you were too close, or not close enough, with your mom? Were you too sociable with the opposite sex as a kid? Were you not sociable enough? Or is it just something about how your brain is wired, maybe even from birth? You don’t know, but this is the only reality you’ve ever experienced. You have no idea what it would feel like to be attracted to the opposite sex. Every time you’ve ever felt those “butterflies,” it’s always been for someone of the same sex as you.

You try going on dates with members of the opposite sex, but you feel nothing, and you feel bad lying to the other person, telling them you find them attractive when you honestly don’t. You’ve tried your hardest to see what your same-sex friends see in certain members of the opposite sex, but there’s just nothing at all alluring about them to you. Not a single one.

As you think about your future, how are you feeling right about now?

Gradually, it dawns on you that you’re “gay”—but here’s a problem. All the other gay people you’ve ever met or heard of are Side A. They date people of the same sex. They fight for same-sex marriage. They embrace their sexuality as something good or at least neutral. You’re not like that. For you, it’s something terrible. It’s a flaw. A disease. You believe strongly that God has restricted sex and marriage to one man and one woman, and that’s what you want for yourself—except that you have no opposite-sex attraction whatsoever, and you hate yourself for that. You feel trapped.

You’re lonely, too. Who can possibly relate to your situation? You’re always afraid of being judged—by fellow Christians for your attractions (they think it’s something you chose), and by fellow gay people for your theological views (they call you self-loathing and deluded).

Think about that. Seriously, pause for just a bit and think about how you’d feel in this situation. Who would your friends be? Who would you trust with this information? And how are you holding up so far?

Eventually, you decide it’s time to be honest with your church family. You know you need their support. You’re terrified to tell them, but you do so, expressing it primarily in terms of an “ongoing temptation” that you’re struggling with. You cross your fingers and hope for the best.

At first, they’re surprisingly positive about the whole thing. They affirm you for your honesty and transparency. They offer words of encouragement about how Christ is sufficient in all things. They remark that everyone struggles with temptations, and though yours may be different, they love you no matter what.

Awesome!

Encouraged by your church, you get into therapy to change your attractions, but you eventually discover that your attractions still don’t change. Though you pray daily for a miracle, so far, you’re still very much attracted to the same sex and not at all attracted to the opposite sex. You believe it would be wrong for you to pursue a relationship with someone you have no feelings for, and you believe the Bible forbids a relationship with someone of the same sex, so for now, you commit yourself to celibacy.

You also meet others who have been through the same thing, and discover that there’s a good chance your attractions will never change. You might be alone forever.

Sit with that for a moment. How does that feel? You’ll never have a spouse. Never have kids. Never have sex. Never have a family of your own. Take a few minutes to contemplate that this is how the rest of your life will be.

You keep reminding yourself that the Christian life involves sacrifice, and you put on a brave face. You try not to let it get to you as your Christian friends date and get married. The support you got from them begins to fade as they spend more time on their own families. They’ve moved on from your “problem.” You understand. But it’s lonely at your place, night after night, with just the TV and frozen dinners. You hear stories of gay people who’ve embraced their sexuality and seem very happy. You want that, but you’re trying to stay strong in what you believe. You hear other stories of people who’ve become straight (at least that’s what some people say) and gotten married. You want that, too, but it doesn’t seem to be happening for you, despite all your faith and prayers.

From time to time, your church holds you up as an example of a powerful testimony because of your celibacy, and you find yourself thrust into the spotlight in a way you didn’t expect. Every time that happens, you feel a rush from the adulation, tinged with the sting of hatred from the gay community.

But the adulation wears off faster than the sting does. You feel a certain temptation to become a public spokesperson on this issue, because at least you could keep the adulation coming in, but that’s not really you. And sometimes you feel bitter, like you’ve come to represent a political issue in the eyes of your fellow Christians, but you don’t feel very known by them personally.

You’re also not sure how to identify yourself when people ask. Should you call yourself a “celibate gay Christian”? A “Christian who struggles with same-sex attractions”? Even just finding words to explain your situation feels like a political statement, which is the last thing you want. You just want to feel less alone.

What would you call yourself? Would you understand it if someone else in the same situation made a different choice? How would you feel if people made faulty assumptions about you on the basis of the words you chose?

No matter what you call yourself, you find that a lot of people in “the world” are constantly judging your choices. You get lumped in with the label “ex-gay” even if it’s a word you’ve never used for yourself. You get accused of being personally responsible for the trials of many gay people. You’re called a liar, even if you’ve always been completely honest about what you feel. And you’re constantly told that you’re foolish not to give in to your “natural” desires. Non-Christians ridicule your faith—even more than they did before you came out—and more liberal Christians are constantly trying to get you to go to a gay-affirming church and embrace your sexuality.

You remind yourself over and over that the Christian life involves persecution and ridicule, and most of the time, you’re pretty good about not letting it get to you. But there are some days when it’s really tough. Sometimes you doubt yourself. Sometimes you just want to sit down and cry. It’s lonely to be where you are, and you wish more people understood what it was like.

When you express these feelings to some of your Christian friends, they make casual but hurtful remarks about how you just need to “work on your relationship with God.” Do they think you’re not already doing that? They seem to believe that as long as you’re focused on God, you won’t ever feel lonely. But you can’t help but notice that these same people invest a lot of time in their own romantic relationships, and even God Himself said that it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone in Genesis.

Some days, you deal with all of this pretty darn well. You have a great prayer life, you study the Word, and you feel productive in your job. But you’re only human, and on those darker days, you feel more alone than ever. Maybe you consider abandoning the Side B thing and just finding a same-sex partner—or at least a one-night stand, though you know it wouldn’t really be fulfilling. Maybe you consider trying to marry someone of the opposite sex, even though you don’t believe it would be fair to them, and you know people who have done it who seem to be going through much of the same stuff you are.

At times, you find yourself echoing the lament of a celibate Side B Christian I quoted in my book TORN:

My experience with a lot of churches is that they will say, ‘Gay people should be celibate,’ but then leave you out in the cold to figure out what that means.

Yet when you express these feelings to the Christians in your life—if you can get a moment in between time with their spouse and time with their kids—they offer trite platitudes about “giving it to God” and how “Christ is sufficient” and how your “reward will be in heaven.” You do believe these things, but right now, you need something more concrete and tangible. When you say so, your Christian friends look puzzled, remind you not to backslide, and then go back to spend time with their boyfriends and girlfriends and wives and husbands and kids.

Meanwhile, every night, it’s you, your TV, and your microwave.

* * *

So… how are you feeling right now?

As you’ve been putting yourself in these shoes, have you had some thoughts about what this person should do?

If you’re Side A, you’ve no doubt been thinking that this person should just abandon their Side B views and become Side A. But remember, for the moment we’re looking at this from the perspective of someone who deeply, deeply believes that Side B is right. They can’t just change this belief at will, even if they might like to.

What other options do they have? Perhaps you’ve considered that they should find a close friend in a similar situation—someone to share a close, intimate, but non-sexual relationship with, a sort of “special friend” to help address their loneliness without violating their beliefs. Well, some Side B gay Christians have done just that, but it frequently earns them condemnation from other Christians, who have referred to it by terms like “diet homosexuality.”

Perhaps, instead, you’d suggest that this person find a community of others in the same situation—other same-sex-attracted Christians with Side B views, for support and camaraderie. Well, that’s why the Gay Christian Network exists and why there is a Side B community there, but again, many Christians offer condemnation here because they fear such a community would open the door to temptation.

In reality, while everyone’s experience is different, life can be very challenging for a celibate Side B gay Christian. When you understand that, it’s not a surprise that people in this situation often end up, in a moment of weakness, looking for a one-night stand online or something similar. It’s not that they’re hypocrites. They’re just lonely. And the church has historically been very bad at offering the real support these folks need.

So if this little exercise in empathy was helpful for you, especially if you’re a straight Side B Christian, consider reevaluating how you and your church approach this issue. If our Side B churches spent less time arguing about gay marriage and more time actually supporting those in our midst who need love and support, this would be a completely different world.

Oh, and you can take off your Empathy Caps now.

Actually, on second thought… leave ‘em on. They might do us all some good.

Follow-up post: Following up on the Empathy Cap exercise.